Since we started trying to conceive in October of 2018, we have lost three babies.
Our first- a missed miscarriage at 9 1/2 weeks, our second, a chemical loss right at 5 weeks, and our third an ectopic- an ordeal that ended up lasting over a full month and ended with me in the hospital. All with 5 failed rounds of fertility treatments thrown in the mix.
The first baby we were able to find out the gender through a chromosome analysis- a little boy. The second and third we will never know, but I had strong feelings of a girl and a boy, respectively. We named them Dylan, Rae, and Blake.
Going through the pandemic with these losses has been exceptionally hard- struggling with pregnancy announcements, quarantine baby jokes, “being quarantined without kids must be nice” jokes…these all have taken quite a toll on us. Unfortunately recurrent losses seem to be a family curse. I’m both hopeful and terrified for what the future holds. I’m devastated a positive pregnancy test will never be a joyous moment for me again.
I’m heartbroken I have three babies in Heaven and none in my arms. I’m sad most of the time. I’m confused, angry, and resentful much of the time. But I am learning to process these feelings. I’m learning to let go of the anger towards my body. I’m learning that though the path that would have had me already with a baby in my arms would have been beautiful, but that doesn’t mean this one can’t be as well. And I’m doing everything I can to make sure other women don’t feel alone and to help destigmatize pregnancy loss.
What her Project Robby Keepsake Sets mean to her:
I have three sets- one for each baby lost. They give me something physical to grieve over when I’m at my worst. They give me something beautiful to look at while I’m in my moments of hope. They acknowledge my babies lives and the significance of each one. They validate the pain of each loss. I am so so grateful for this organization.