In August 2018 my husband and I had just celebrated our wedding anniversary and went camping with family and our 9 month old son. When we got back I had this weird feeling and decided to take a test even though we were using birth controls. In 3 minutes, a faint positive line appeared and I froze. Terrified. My son was only 9 months old and I wasn’t yet healed 100% from his birth and complications.
Fast forward to 12 weeks along and everything was going great. We told family we were expecting and then…I was rushed to the hospital for bleeding. I thought for sure it was the start of a miscarriage. I was diagnoses with a subchorionic hematoma. The ER doctor said baby and the heartbeat were looking fine and sent me home saying it was like a blood blister on my uterus where the baby had been attached before the placenta formed.
Five weeks later at 17 weeks I woke up to get my son out of his playpen and my water broke! All I saw was blood and fluid everywhere. I was terrified times 1000! I went to the doctor that morning and it was confirmed my water broke.
Baby was still okay, and if the sac did not reseal itself in a week or two they would look into other options. At 19 weeks they determined that the sac did not reseal. The baby was growing but the lungs and other organs were not measuring to 19wks.
My husband and I turned white with the news that our baby would not make it on its own or medical complications would arise and cause to end the pregnancy would follow. Three doctors and 10 nurses rushed into the room to explain this situation to us and all I heard were Charlie Brown voices while I looked at the screen of my precious baby still moving and kicking around. Despite the circumstances in front of us I selfishly decided to keep carrying the baby.
At 22 weeks and the week of Christmas, I was rushed back to the hospital with fluid and blood gushes, thinking the worst. At labor and delivery it was confirmed that I was still losing fluid and that baby was squished and organs stopped growing at 16 weeks.
At that point my health declined badly and it was no longer viable to continue to carry. At 23 weeks and 5 days I had to do the unthinkable. I had to do the most gut wrenching thing a mother could do. I had to end my pregnancy. If I would have chosen to give birth, my baby was given 12% chance of survival and that was before the cord was cut. Afterwards it went to a 2% chance. The lungs and other organs were not viable to carry on the baby’s life. I would have watched my baby gasp for air and die within minutes. I was going thru enough and didn’t want to see that. I had a living child at home to think about.
When I tell you my story almost 2 years later know that I did everything within my control to save my baby. The decision I had to make felt like a thousand knives ripping through my heart. It was a decision I did not make lightly. It was best for my unborn child who didn’t deserve to gasp for air and hurt. I just found out the sex of that baby. I would have had a little boy. We have named him Liam. It means fighter and warrior like and he was exactly that. Fought until the last second.
What receiving a Project Robby Keepsake Set meant to her:
EVERYTHING! I never got to hold, kiss, or see my baby. I never got the chance to buy him anything. To have something “of him” to physically hold is comforting. Brings me some peace. I know he is with God.