One year ago (September 2017) I found out I was pregnant. I was SO EXCITED because I have always wanted a baby. I’ve always dreamed of being a mom. I even have journals that I write to my future children in-that I began in June of 2007 on my wedding day. I’ve had boy and girl names that I’ve chosen for years before I even met my husband. I talk about my children as if they already exist and I always have. They are loved and wanted and so precious.
So when I went for my first ultrasound (8 weeks 5 days) and saw that little heart beating I wanted to be happy but I could tell by the ultrasound techs change of emotion that something was wrong. —and unfortunately, something was wrong. My sweet baby was measuring smaller than expected (5 weeks 3 days) and the heartbeat wasn’t as strong as it should be. Two days later and I lost my baby naturally at what should have been 9 weeks to the day.
I remember that moment so vividly. I was crying my eyes out-not because of the physical pain but the because of the emotional and mental torture of what this meant. I remember apologizing to my baby over and over “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-Mommy is so sorry” as my body failed me in keeping my baby safe and alive.
We don’t know why. We don’t the gender of our precious little one. I just knew I had to honor my baby by naming him or her… so together we chose a name that could be for a boy or a girl. *Payton Leigh Morrow*
On September 15, 2017 I didn’t just lose a pregnancy- I didn’t just lose a baby- I lost an entire future. I lost memories we never got to make and birthday parties we never got to plan. I lost hopes and dreams and instead was given pain and tears and thoughts of “what if” and “what could have been”. I was terrified to try again. It took an entire year (literally- one year exactly) and here we are September 2018 and I’m losing my second precious baby at the same time in my pregnancy as before. We chose the name *London Parker* for this sweet baby. I’m a mess of emotions and I don’t understand why-I probably never will. I still love and trust God. I still have hope and I still pray. I will keep trying despite the heartbreak. I hope and pray that I will get to keep and hold a baby here on this Earth. For now, I just grieve for the future that I don’t get to have with the two babies that I will forever love and miss.
What her Project Robby Keepsake Set means to her:
I found out about Project Robby and asked for a keepsake set. They sent me a beautiful hat, blanket, and angel wings. I cried in my car as I put the little hat on the tip of my finger. This sweet keepsake set makes me feel like I have something tangible to hold on to since I can’t hold my sweet Payton. I tell everyone I know that has been through a loss about Project Robby. I’m so thankful for their love and generosity. They are amazing.
If you or someone you know would like more information on receiving a Project Robby Keepsake Set click here
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