After three losses, years of infertility, and being told we would never conceive again- we found out we were pregnant. After making it to 12 weeks, we were so excited to tell our eight year old daughter that we were pregnant. Her response was “you’re finally giving me a sibling”! She was beyond excited and told everyone that she had a little sibling on the way.
My husband was deploying on a submarine and would be gone for the anatomy scan so I wrapped a blue package of gum and a pink package for him to open after I would email him to tell him the gender of the baby. My daughter and I were so excited to find out and be able to email him. The day of the anatomy scan my life changed forever.
I dropped my daughter off at school, drove very excitedly and anxiously to the hospital and within minutes of laying the the table, I got questioned. “Have you had any cramping? Any bleeding?” I knew what that meant. The ultrasound tech didn’t even have to say a word. I told her no and she frantically left the room saying she needed to get the doctor and she would be right back.
Thirty minutes, I laid in that cold, dark room alone. Sobbing hysterically. I texted a friend and told her I knew something was wrong and she dropped everything to come to the hospital. The doctor came in and told me and all I remember after that is just uncontrollable sobbing and screaming. We had lost what we thought was finally our rainbow. How would I tell our daughter, how would I tell my deployed husband.
Not only were we robbed of our precious baby, but we were robbed of being together to grieve together.
My husband didn’t get to open packages of gum, instead he was told by his command who was notified via a Red Cross message. Our daughter started her school year off by having to grieve a loss she couldn’t comprehend.
My heart broke that day.
Then it broke again the day I had surgery to remove my son from my body.
It broke when the doctor came in and told me the baby was a boy, the son I’ll never get to meet in this life. It breaks every time someone asks me if I have more kids, if I want more kids.
It breaks every time I see parents and families walk through the same fire.
Pregnancy loss isn’t normal grief you walk through and can heal from. Pregnancy and infant loss is grief you learn to live WITH because you carry that baby with you, for the rest of your life.
Our son, Lucas Anthony, will forever be carried in our hearts.
What her Project Robby Keepsake Set means to her:
I received my Project Robby set on the year anniversary of the surgery to remove my son’s body from mine. It was so overwhelming to not only receive this incredible gift but the coincidence of getting it on that day- was even more special and overwhelming.
My heart melted. The wings, the hat, the blanket, all perfectly crafted and really made me feel close to our son Lucas. I don’t think there are words to express my deep gratitude. Thank you Project Robby for giving us something to feel close to our babies. What you’re doing is so meaningful and important.