In October 2018 I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I was surprised because I was on birth control but I was also really excited. I always knew in my heart that I would have a 3rd baby and I truly planned it at some point later on in life. I just knew I would have 3 beautiful kids.
Things didn’t work out like I thought they would unfortunately.
I would have never known I was pregnant if it wouldn’t have been for the chronic morning sickness. It was so bad! I couldn’t hold down any type of food and I can remember thinking about how horrible it was and how I had never had it that severe with my other two kids. My first two pregnancies were completely normal with no complications whatsoever. However, this pregnancy was much more different and much more scarier to me. My feet started swelling around 12 weeks and that was also a symptom I was not used to. I thought this pregnancy would just be like all of the others but it wasn’t…..not even the slightest.
At 16 weeks on Dec. 16th, 2018 I began to have some light cramping early that morning. It felt like Braxton Hicks but I wasn’t too concerned at that point. Throughout the day the cramping got worse. Sometime later that afternoon the cramping became unbearable, and I eventually went to lay down on my mother’s bed in her room where it was quiet. As I laid there in her room the pain kept getting worse and I knew I would have to get up and go to the ER now. I managed to ease myself up out of my mother’s bed but what happened next was the most horrifying experience ever.
As I put my feet on the floor and slowly stood up straight I felt a fish of hot liquid burst out of me and through my pajama pants. I could feel it gushing down both legs and I was afraid to look down. When I did look down finally it was a scary sight. My pants from top to bottom were covered in bright red blood. Fear shoved its way into my mind at that point and I was absolutely terrified! I slowly made my way towards the bathroom. I didn’t even think about what was happening to me. My mind was frozen. I couldn’t breath. I took my pajamas off and sat down on the toilet. It was the only thing I knew to do. At this point my body wanted me to push and naturally it did. This is when the realization kicked in. I didn’t want to deliver in the bathroom or a toilet. So all I could do was scream for my mom. She ran into the bathroom and she was shocked by what she saw. She looked down at my bloody clothes and then she looked back at me. Her face was pale and colorless. I can’t imagine what my face looked like in those moments. I was beginning to feel extremely weak and dizzy. I was losing so much blood now!!!!
My mom wanted to rush me to the ER but she had to stay home with my two other children. Nobody else was there to watch them. She was afraid if I drove I would pass out at the wheel from losing too much blood. She wanted me to take an ambulance instead but I feared that there wasn’t enough time. I knew my baby was coming and I knew I couldn’t lose much more blood without dying. She helped me get on new pajamas and I folded a towel up to put in my panties. It was a total mess. I proceeded to my car and I took the chance of driving.
All the way to the ER I prayed desperately and I lost consciousness a couple times as well. I was extremely lucky that night and I could feel God there guiding me and helping me through this nightmare. I made it the ER somehow with God’s protection. They rushed me up to Labor and Delivery. I had bled through the towel and these clothes as well. I was bleeding so badly and I knew I would probably die from blood loss. The doctor said I was extremely lucky that I made it there after losing that much blood, especially driving! The doctor did an ultrasound and decided to deliver my baby and do a D&C procedure afterwards.
At 8:02 pm my sweet baby boy Matthew was born at 16 weeks. He was unbelievably small and could fit in the palms of my hands. I was lucky enough to hold him for a long time and get a picture of him as well.
He was absolutely beautiful in every way. He was perfect. He had ten tiny toes and ten tiny fingers. I just wish I could have known what color his eyes and hair would have been. I stared at him for the longest time. I thank God every day for that opportunity.
The worst thing in the world is going into the hospital pregnant but coming out not pregnant and with no baby either. It is utterly heart breaking. You never recover from something like that. The D&C procedure was absolutely terrifying and horrible. I will never forget it. I was in so much pain. He had to stop the bleeding too of course. They also gave me a couple pills to take to help me pass any more blood or tissue left behind. I ended up needing blood 2 or 3 times total and it took months for my body to heal completely and get back to normal. I was so weak for so long. I couldn’t make myself get out of bed. And to make things even worse I was dealing with severe depression and anxiety now as well. The worst part is coming home and still dealing with the symptoms. My body still thought it was pregnant for a while! I still had to deal with the horrible morning sickness and swelling feet. Every day it reminded me of my loss. 😭
December 2018 was the worst time of my life and it’s something you will never forget. I think about my sweet baby boy every single day. I think about what he would look like now and what his personality would be like. I would give anything to have him in our lives. It was hard on his big brother and sister as well. They really wanted him around. We miss him. We had nothing to remember him by either. We celebrate him every year on his estimated birthday & the day we lost him. I will never forget the day that I lost my angel. You will NEVER be forgotten Matthew Thomas! 12/16/18….A day etched in my heart. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
What Kayla’s Project Robby Keepsake Set means to her:
I didn’t have anything to remind me of my sweet baby boy sadly. Someone told me about Project Robby and how it did wonders for them mentally. I thought I would check out their page one day while I was online searching for memorial ideas. I was amazed. I live in a very small town and our hospital here doesn’t offer any thing sentimental or otherwise after losing a child or family member. It truly is devastating. All places should offer something sentimental for the parents afterwards in my opinion. You need something to remind you of that child.
I reached out to Project Robby and they sent me a keepsake set. I didn’t think it would be a big deal really. However, when my set came in the mail I was so shocked and surprised! My heart started to flutter and then beat out of my chest. They sent me a handmade baby blanket, baby hat, and a beautiful set of angel wings. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. You could tell someone really put a lot of effort, work, and love into this set. The blanket and rest of set were made of yarn. The blanket was made of white yarn but the outside edges of the blanket were rainbow colors 🌈. There were so many beautiful colors! The hat was also white but the Pom Pom on top of the hat was an assortment of rainbow colored yarn.
The set was stunning. I cried for a long time but they were happy tears. This blanket and hat meant so much to me!!! I treasure it with all of my heart and soul. My sweet angel’s set now resides safely in a beautiful shadow box hanging on the wall in my living room along with his wings, his angel baby made by Willow Tree, my card from Project Robby, a picture of Matthew, and my beautiful necklace and charm set from “Held Your Whole Life”. All of these things mean more to me than anyone could imagine. They are all I have left of my sweet angel baby.
Thank you Project Robby for everything y’all do. You have an amazing organization and I pray that y’all are able to continue making grieving mothers a gift as wonderful as these sets. They mean so very much to so very many. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 🥰